Is There a Vegan Conspiracy in the Cat Food Industry?

Right, I’m just going to come out and say it: I think there’s a conspiracy afoot. And not just any conspiracy — oh no! I’m talking about a feline-focused vegan infiltration of the cat food industry. 

Because honestly, how else can you explain the recent trend of peas, carrots, rice, and other suspiciously salad-like items appearing in pouches of cat food that are supposedly “meat in gravy”?

Have the cat food companies been infiltrated by extremist vegan activists determined to “convert” our cats to the green side? Because if they have, my cat is having none of it.

Picture this: I open a pouch of “Succulent Chicken Dinner.” It smells… vaguely like chicken. I spoon it into the bowl, and there they are, neon-orange cubes of diced carrot staring up at me like an unwanted intruder at a meat feast. 

My cat, bless him, takes one sniff, eats around it, and spits out a perfectly formed little carroty chunk with the precision of a sniper.

I mean really, who decided cats need carrots or peas? These are animals that, in the wild, would proudly take down a vole, a bird, or maybe an unguarded burger from a neighbour’s BBQ. Not a legume or a grain of rice in sight. Yet here we are, serving them dinner that looks like it was rejected from a school canteen.

And don’t even get me started on the rice. Since when did cats need rice? Did someone see a Bengal cat and assume they’re all from Asia and therefore partial to a bit of wild rice or basmati?

Then there’s soya and wheat gluten — the stuff of vegan dreams but feline nightmares. I’m convinced there’s a secret meeting somewhere, where a group of anti-meat zealots in hemp jumpers are cackling over how they’ve snuck tofu into “Beef Flavour Feast.”

“Ha ha!” they cry, “Soon, all the cats will be plant-based!”

Meanwhile, the nation’s moggies are plotting revolution, one regurgitated pea at a time.

Look, I get it — humans are eating more plant-based meals these days. Good for us. But cats are obligate carnivores. That means they literally have to eat meat to survive. Trying to turn a cat vegan is like trying to get a shark to go swear off eating fish. It’s just not happening.

So why, in the name of whiskers, are we still finding vegetables in cat food? Is it a cost-cutting exercise? A misguided attempt at “balanced nutrition”? A way to tempt Gen X cat owners with gimmicky 'neqw' recipes? Or is there, as I suspect, a stealthy vegan uprising happening in pet food factories up and down the country?

Either way, it needs to stop. My cat doesn’t want your diced carrots, your peas of persuasion, or your tofu tyranny. He wants meat. Preferably something that once had feathers, fur, or at the very least, a heartbeat.

Until the cat food world comes to its senses, I’ll be standing guard — spoon in hand, ready to fish out every last unwanted vegetable like a true carnivore’s ally.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go sweep a small pile of rejected peas off the kitchen floor. Again.