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| If cats were made of Soya, they'd look like the one on the left |
It is I: the large, handsome, magnificently whiskered gentleman who lives in your house free of charge in exchange for affection, regular meals, and the occasional opportunity to chew something you didn’t want me to chew.
Today I come to you with an urgent matter. A scandal. A culinary outrage. A betrayal wrapped in gravy.
I’m talking about soya in cat food.
Yes. Soya. Beans. Plants. Leaves. Bits of vegetable. Things rabbits eat. Things I do not eat unless they accidentally fall into my bowl and I’m too hungry to stage a protest.
Let’s Make One Thing Clear
We cats are apex predators. Lions, tigers… me.
We are obligate carnivores – which is the scientific way of saying we are powered by meat, fuelled by meat, and spiritually uplifted by meat.
We are not (I repeat: NOT) made of soya.
What on Earth Are These Manufacturers Thinking?
You open a tin expecting:
Chicken
Beef
Something exciting like venison
Or, if the day is truly blessed, tuna in spring water
Instead you get:
“Chicken flavour” (red flag number one)
“With added vegetables”
“Enhanced with plant proteins”
“Soya chunks” (I’m getting chills just writing this)
Plant proteins? PLANT proteins?
Listen, if I wanted to graze, I would have evolved hooves.
My Body Is a Temple. Of Meat.
I am a finely tuned machine built for:
Stalking
Pouncing
Knocking things off tables
Yowling mysteriously at 3am
And digesting MEAT
My digestive system did not graduate from the “Leaf Munching Academy”.
It did, however, earn a doctorate in “Processing Small Mammals at Speed”.
The Hypocrisy of It All
The packaging is the funniest part.
Bright, proud labels shouting:
“WITH DELICIOUS CHICKEN!”
while quietly whispering in microscopic print:
“Contains 4% chicken. And also… erm… quite a lot of soya, actually.”
This is like serving you a Sunday roast where the plate is 90% broccoli and one sad cube of turkey.
You’d riot. You’d write letters. You’d unfollow people on social media.
So imagine how I feel.
My Official Recommendations
To all manufacturers, take careful note:
If it once walked, flew, or swam, it’s perfect.
If it grew in a field next to the carrots… no.
If it requires the words “binder”, “filler”, or “extruded plant matter”… absolutely not.
If it has more ingredients than a human smoothie… who hurt you?
And To My Human
Please continue your excellent work as Chief Purchaser of Meat-Based Delights.
You’re doing wonderfully.
You may carry on stroking me now.
But if you ever bring home a “plant-forward feline wellness meal” again, I reserve the right to:
chew your charging cables,
sit on your laptop mid-sentence,
or throw up on the rug (the good one, naturally).
In Conclusion
We cats are elegant, noble, majestic predators.
We are majestic, furry carnivores of distinction and gravitas.
We are not made of soya. We are made of meat.
And the sooner the cat food industry stops pretending we’re tiny vegan Labradors, the better.
Yours sincerely,
The Maine Coon Who Speaks for Us All
