“We Are Not Made of Soya!” – A Strongly Worded Complaint from a Maine Coon Who Has Had Quite Enough

If cats were made of Soya, they'd look like the one on the left

Greetings, humans.

It is I: the large, handsome, magnificently whiskered gentleman who lives in your house free of charge in exchange for affection, regular meals, and the occasional opportunity to chew something you didn’t want me to chew.

Today I come to you with an urgent matter. A scandal. A culinary outrage. A betrayal wrapped in gravy.

I’m talking about soya in cat food.

Yes. Soya. Beans. Plants. Leaves. Bits of vegetable. Things rabbits eat. Things I do not eat unless they accidentally fall into my bowl and I’m too hungry to stage a protest.

Let’s Make One Thing Clear

We cats are apex predators. Lions, tigers… me.

We are obligate carnivores – which is the scientific way of saying we are powered by meat, fuelled by meat, and spiritually uplifted by meat.

We are not (I repeat: NOT) made of soya.

What on Earth Are These Manufacturers Thinking?

You open a tin expecting:

Chicken

Beef

Something exciting like venison

Or, if the day is truly blessed, tuna in spring water

Instead you get:

“Chicken flavour” (red flag number one)

“With added vegetables”

“Enhanced with plant proteins”

“Soya chunks” (I’m getting chills just writing this)

Plant proteins? PLANT proteins?

Listen, if I wanted to graze, I would have evolved hooves.

My Body Is a Temple. Of Meat.

I am a finely tuned machine built for:

Stalking

Pouncing

Knocking things off tables

Yowling mysteriously at 3am

And digesting MEAT

My digestive system did not graduate from the “Leaf Munching Academy”.

It did, however, earn a doctorate in “Processing Small Mammals at Speed”.

The Hypocrisy of It All

The packaging is the funniest part.

Bright, proud labels shouting:

“WITH DELICIOUS CHICKEN!”

while quietly whispering in microscopic print:

“Contains 4% chicken. And also… erm… quite a lot of soya, actually.”

This is like serving you a Sunday roast where the plate is 90% broccoli and one sad cube of turkey.

You’d riot. You’d write letters. You’d unfollow people on social media.

So imagine how I feel.

My Official Recommendations

To all manufacturers, take careful note:

If it once walked, flew, or swam, it’s perfect.

If it grew in a field next to the carrots… no.

If it requires the words “binder”, “filler”, or “extruded plant matter”… absolutely not.

If it has more ingredients than a human smoothie… who hurt you?

And To My Human

Please continue your excellent work as Chief Purchaser of Meat-Based Delights.

You’re doing wonderfully.

You may carry on stroking me now.

But if you ever bring home a “plant-forward feline wellness meal” again, I reserve the right to:

chew your charging cables,

sit on your laptop mid-sentence,

or throw up on the rug (the good one, naturally).

In Conclusion

We cats are elegant, noble, majestic predators.

We are majestic, furry carnivores of distinction and gravitas.

We are not made of soya. We are made of meat.

And the sooner the cat food industry stops pretending we’re tiny vegan Labradors, the better.

Yours sincerely,

The Maine Coon Who Speaks for Us All