How to Survive a Dinner Party When you Know the Host Could Burn Water

Your Essential Guide to Faking Culinary Joy with Grace and Guts

Let’s face it: sometimes you accept a dinner invitation out of politeness, habit, or because you owe someone a favour involving bail money or a broken printer. 

But then the fear sets in: What if they can’t cook? Worse yet—what if they’re the sort of well-meaning host who thinks spaghetti hoops on stale toast counts as a starter? 

And what if you already know their cooking skills are so lacking that they could burn water?

Fear not, dear reader. Here’s your foolproof, amusing survival guide for attending a dinner party hosted by someone who could legitimately burn water, and how to look like you’re having a Michelin-star time whilst doing it.

1. Pre-Load Like a Pro

First rule of bad dinner parties: never arrive hungry. Eat a hearty snack beforehand. A sandwich. A jacket potato. Half a lasagne if necessary. You’re not eating to be polite, you’re eating to survive.

2. Perfect Your “Mmm” Face

Practice in the mirror: eyes wide with “delight,” mouth curved in a polite grimace that says “I love this grey mystery mash,” not “Is this meat, or an emotional support sponge?” Bonus points if you master the nod-and-smile combo, the international signal for “I’m not dying, I swear.”

3. Drink Strategically

If there’s wine, sip slowly and strategically. Alcohol can dull the taste buds and lubricate forced joy. Just don’t get carried away and announce loudly that you’d rather eat your own sock than another mouthful of the “vegan chicken surprise.”

4. Compliment the Effort, Not the Taste

Avoid obvious lies like “This is delicious!” and opt for vague praise like:

“Wow, what a unique combination!”

“You must have spent ages on this!”

“This is… very creative.”

These let you express admiration without mentioning the food itself. Diplomatic gold.

5. Create a Distraction

“Oh no! Did I just spill wine on your carpet?”

“Quick, someone check outside! I think I saw a badger on fire!”

Tactical chaos can divert attention long enough for you to discreetly offload that third helping of charcoal risotto into a napkin, handbag, or trusting pet.

6. Applaud Bold Flavours (Even If They Assault You)

“This really challenges the palate!” is a wonderful phrase. It sounds like praise but really means “My taste buds are filing for restraining orders.”

7. Leave on a High Note

Say your goodbyes with gusto and enthusiasm. Thank your host profusely. Text them afterwards with something like, “We must do this again!” which of course, means “I need to change my number immediately.”

Not everyone is blessed with culinary brilliance. Some are blessed with enthusiasm and a disregard for recipe books. And that’s fine! Just remember: the food may be tragic, but the stories you’ll tell afterwards will be hilarious.

You survived. You’re stronger now. And next time, you’re hosting and ordering takeaway.